That title is a bit of a provocative one, but I don’t mean that I’m a “bad” seeker in terms of being moral judgement of right/wrong or good/bad, I just mean that I’m bad in a technical sense at being a seeker.
The reason for this is that I must have a million times in various ways, from different spiritual teachers to be here now. To drop all expectations and just be with what is in this moment. That’s the real freedom.
And yet, I find that I am often contemplating what it will be like when I “arrive”.
How will my life be different?
How will I experience my day-to-day reality in some other way than I do now?
What is it like to completely transcend pain?
What is it like to live freely and without suffering?
These questions and future projections of how life my change as I develop and go through various transformations on my spiritual journey occupy a lot of my consciousness throughout a lot of my days.
And even though I recognise them for what they are, not reality, just a fantasy which never turns out to be the case in the way you might imagine it to, I still keep returning there time after time.
Hence, the title of this post.
I don’t think I’m alone. I think it’s a very common thing for seekers on the path to want the “goodies” and to imagine what it might be like once we get them.
But what is driving this?
Well, when I do find a bit of spaciousness, a bit of peace, a bit of silence, all that disappears.
When I have what I would call a “good” meditation in the morning or a “deep” self enquiry, there are no desires for anything else.
I find myself in an all-consuming felt sense of presence, deeply embodied.
My mind quietens down.
My senses are heightened.
Time slows down.
There is a full, alive, palpable contentment here and nothing more is needed.
And I have this experience often.
So, if the seeking activity disappears when spaciousness is here, the seeking activity itself must be driven by a sense of lack or a sense of separation.
Perhaps it’s wounding or trauma that is coming to the surface and disturbing the mind and creating this experience in the moment.
I don’t know for certain what creates this feeling in my own direct experience, but I know that it is with me often if I slow down and pay attention and don’t simply distract myself with myriad things that can take me away from it; food, porn, Netflix, gaming etc.
In comparison to this sense of disturbance, the imagined future dream is quite pleasant.
In my imagined future, everything is lovely. I feel peaceful all the time. Nothing disturbs me. I’m able to accept every moment as it comes and as it goes. It sounds fucking amazing.
The problem is it’s not real and I don’t know how to get there.
I know how to be here, but being here often means being with pain and discomfort.
So, I continue to be a bad spiritual seeker.
Knowing the answer, but not practising it.
Maybe one day that will change.
Maybe one day, I’ll find myself.